We know, from years of experience, that we are most successful in developing boys’ attitudes and values when we work hand-in-hand with parents. If boys hear the same messages from home and school, they are more likely to develop the moral compass that will guide them into good decision-making throughout their lives. It is for this reason that I like to share messages from my school assemblies in my blog. Just prior to the Easter holiday, Miss Jenkins gave a powerful address on sexual harassment following the murder of Sarah Everard in London. She encouraged boys to talk to their mothers about their personal experiences, and it has been gratifying to hear that many boys have done precisely that.

We are very conscious at the Grammar School that there is at present in the national discourse a great deal of commentary on the behaviour of boys and young men. While this is understandable given recent events, we are concerned that our boys must not feel any sense of guilt at being male. Boys, after all, do not have a monopoly on unpleasantness, insensitivity and discrimination. My colleagues and I are lucky that we see and hear about countless examples of boys’ selflessness, empathy and joyful teamwork on a daily basis. We want to focus on celebrating these positive contributions to their school, their communities and families.

However, we do think it is important that they understand and empathise with the experiences of sexual harassment and abuse from which girls and women suffer. As part of the protests following Sarah Everard’s murder, the sexist behaviour of boys at independent schools has been documented on an Instagram site called Everyone’s Invited. On this, young women have written their testimonies about harassment, assault and rape at the hands of students who have attended similar institutions to ours. It is not pleasant for any of us to hear these criticisms, and certainly not our boys, who do not recognise the descriptions of these negative (and criminal) male behaviours in their own actions. However, I do know that young men from time to time get things wrong, and that all of us, men and boys, are capable of careless sexist attitudes, whether consciously or unconsciously.

In my assembly, I urged boys not to get defensive when they hear men being criticised. If they are unfailingly respectful to the females in their lives; if they are appalled by sexist behaviour and abuse of women, then they know that they are not the target of protests. Several boys were really upset in March about the hashtag ‘Kill All Men’ that was circulating on Tiktok (a social media channel much used by the 11-16 demographic if not by the Headmaster). This was not a helpful contribution to any meaningful debate as a great deal of offence was taken at the provocative hashtag; the anger felt by boys prevented them from engaging with the reality of sexual harassment and abuse.

We are acutely aware that we need to act in such a way to remove anger and resentment from the debate so that boys can engage objectively. As you know, as part of our GREAT men initiative, we want boys to talk, but to talk with confidence and authority, they also need to learn to listen. If they listen to the experiences of their mothers, sisters and female friends, they will understand better the anger of women who have had enough of hearing about abuse. These days, we are too often on broadcast, commenting on what’s on our social media feed without thinking. We need to stop broadcasting and to show the humility to listen. Only then can we hope to understand a much more nuanced picture.

I spent some time explaining to boys the idea of ‘nuance’ in my assembly. Please help us by building on this in your own conversations with your sons. The modern world is complicated. The burning issues of our age are nuanced, but too often they are presented cartoonishly as clear-cut; good or bad. The older I get, the more I realise that life can be messy and imprecise, and that an important part of education is taking the time to explore the nuances that make it so. When our children are small, they seem to develop an unshakeable early belief in absolutes. My son, aged 5, asked me that, if Arsenal were the best team, why didn’t they win every match. Children watch cartoons, where one side is good, and the other bad. However, in this respect, life does not imitate art. The issue of sexual harassment is not as clear as Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner.

We need to help our boys to realise that we don’t live in such a binary world and to escape from this cartoon paradigm of good and bad. Recognition of this reality is a vital part of growing up and becoming young adults. Sexism is complicated and deeply-entrenched in society. I could say exactly the same for racism.

I feel that our boys need to understand the truth that some men act in such a way that causes harm (psychological and/or physical) to women. Most of them don’t, and therefore they must not be personally offended when men are criticised. Let us instead be offended about the behaviour of others that makes women feel unsafe. Countering this debate by referring to the abuse of men is tone-deaf and defensive. Yes, it happens, but female on male violence is rare. Boys need to appreciate that the depressive thing about sexist and sexual violence is that it is frighteningly common.

I concluded by emphasising that to be pro-women, we don’t have to be anti-men. There are parallels here with racism. To stick up for the rights of those from ethnicities who suffer discrimination does not mean that we are anti-white. I have said in several assemblies this year that one of the insights I gained from the Black Lives Matter protests in 2020 were that it’s not enough to be non-racist, you have to be actively anti-racist. Similarly, it’s not enough to be non-sexist, we need to be anti-sexist. This requires two main responses: firstly, to call out those who use discriminatory language and who seek to abuse or take advantage of women; and secondly to listen to girls and women so that we understand the context in which they live.

I don’t feel guilty about this privilege. We mustn’t feel bad about being men. Instead, we should try to focus on questions such as “wouldn’t it be great if women didn’t have to leave home worrying about what the intentions of those they might encounter?” “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if women’s choice of clothing didn’t make others draw conclusions about their intelligence or promiscuity?”

Let’s not make our boys feel guilty about how a minority of men act. Instead, let them be outraged that this behaviour is still possible in the 21^st Century and think about what they can do to promote equality in all of its forms.